There is an elongated breath- almost like a pause, but it consumes you instead of allowing you the needed time to think. You swallow hard, line your feet up to face the moon, and begin to whisper. Confession is an ancient practice, you are used to it by now, but feel as if you’ve adopted someone else’s weight. You expose your palms, wrists, collarbone, and neck. You hope you have choices in this world—that it isn’t a predetermined mess pulling you along paths splashed with shadows and pushing you out of sleep with a violent determination.
Time moves at half speed.
You are grateful for the quiet that darkness grants but fear it will betray you.
You want to understand, but above all else you want understanding. Not eager ears swallowing every complaint and worry, but spread open arms enveloping every mistake and desire as justified, honest, necessary. Someone is perched on your shoulders. Something is lingering in your mind. Each vowel sound scrapes off an ounce of worry. Each adjective flings a few grams of doubt. Promise you will let go of yesterday—leave it in your dreams. Attempts don’t melt decision, nor do they solidify eternity. They only stretch a moment longer in a new direction you did not notice before.
Take a step, take a handful of time, it is all you have for now.